The Lonely Blogger

"YOU DA MAN!" TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood test results
C. Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing to which your wife/girlfriend would agree.
C. Not the sort of thing about which your wife/girlfriend need ever to find out.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman with whom you've just had sex is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. No concern to you.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A Moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with the intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Should never have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

EVALUATING RESULTS: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you ARE a man!! If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

Another God-Awful Movie

Is Evan Almighty a "Christian comedy"? The entertainment media seems to think so. Bob Tourtellotte in his June 26, 2007 Reuters article about Hollywood's diminishing prospects for a record box office in 2007 said that the reason is (among other things) the less than spectacular receipts for Ocean's 13, Spiderman 3 and "Christian comedy Evan Almighty".

Huh? Last I checked Noah and the Ark were in the Old Testament. Nor do I recall the previews indicating any appearance by Jesus, his disciples or apostles. (A quick check of the IMDb movie database confirms that Jesus was not in the movie). And although I didn't actually see the movie (or its predecessor Bruce Almighty, I would bet that neither movie actively (certainly not intentionally) promotes the Christian religion or even Judaism for that matter.

A "religious spoof" perhaps. Much like Monty Python's Life of Brian. But to call either a "Christian comedy" strains credulity.

Witness for the Plaintiff

We just received this police report from Palos Hills, Illinois. The case involves a little girl who was getting an ice cream from an ice cream truck which had its "Stop - Children" sign activated. Unfortunately, a passing motorist didn't heed the sign and struck the child as she crossed the street to a park.

The police arrived and took statements from various witnesses in the area. Note the police officer's note regarding witness number 3. Click on the image for a larger view.

Apparently, the police officer didn't think that blindness prevented the witness from "witnessing" the accident. Sure, a witness has other faculties at his or her disposal. One can testify that the car "sounded like its engine was racing" or "I could feel a strong breeze from the car as it went by". Maybe the blind witness could even testify he or she heard the child "fly into the tree"; however, when it comes to describing the operation of a passing car and giving an exact speed, I would think that vision would be a requirement.

Should be interesting.

The Canadian Mental Cripple-r

Professional wrestler, Chris Benoit, hanged himself Monday, June 25, 2007 after murdering his wife, Nancy Daus-Benoit (left) and their seven year-old son, Daniel, over the weekend. Benoit, professionally known as the "Canadian Crippler" and the "Rabid Wolverine", cancelled a pay-per-view on Friday due to a "family emergency".

The WWE cancelled its Monday Night RAW programming on the 25th replacing it with a tribute to Benoit. I know that in the wrestling industry always wants to pay tribute to its fallen stars like Owen Hart and Eddie Guererro but Benoit deserves no tribute and giving him one before the facts were in showed extremely bad judgment. Owen Hart died in a tragic on-the-job accident and while Eddie Guererro's years of alcohol, drugs and (obvious) steroid use contributed to his heart failure, at least he didn't murder anyone else.

Think it's possible that 'Roid Rage contributed to Benoit's actions? Maybe. But that doesn't avoid his responsibility. Any steroids he took, he took willingly. He was fully responsible for his heinous actions.

While the WWE claims to have cleaned up its act regarding steroids, wrestlers like Triple H keep getting bigger and bigger. I don't even think he could hang himself since he no longer has a neck.

The world need to wash its hands of Chris Benoit. And that's the bottom line, cuz Blog Dog says so.

No Tanks

As much as it pains me to say, the Chicago Bears did something right. After giving defensive tackle Tank Johnson a chance to redeem himself following weapons charges and probation violations and the shooting death of his friend/bodyguard (at a nightclub days after his arrest), the Bears waived him. Reports are that Johnson was arrested June 22, 2007 in Arizona for speeding and suspicion of DUI.

While speeding isn't a horrible offense and whether he was DUI remains to be seen, for whatever reason he was out at 3 a.m. After being released from jail a few weeks ago, Johnson said he was a changed man and would strive to walk the straight and narrow. He claimed he would be the poster child for athletes who got in trouble and turned things around.

That didn't last long. The Bears told Johnson he was under a zero-tolerance plan. It's nice to see them stick to that. Johnson had no business being out at 3 a.m. drunk or otherwise. Yes, he had a legal right to go out but he knew he'd be subject to the professional consequences of doing so.

So, it looks like his 8 game suspension will likely be at least a year. He'll be back in the league after that. Some team (the Cincinnati Bengals?) will take a look at him. But his next contract will probably be for the league minimum and probably will have similar zero-tolerance language. Hopefully, "changed woman", Paris Hilton can do better.

Now, why is Adam "Pac-Man" Jones still on the Tennessee Titans?

Justice Prevails

Washington D.C. Administrative Law Judge, Roy Pearson, lost a lawsuit involving pants that he took to a dry cleaners and subsequently were misplaced. The pants were ultimately found again but that didn't satisfy Pearson. He filed suit against the shop for the misplacement of the pants and for violation of a D.C. consumer protection statute -- the cleaners had a "satisfaction guaranteed" sign on the wall and since the judge wasn't satisfied, the store breached its warranty under the statute. The claim on the lost pants were subsequently dropped. The lawsuit sought damages in excess of $54 million dollars.

$10,000's worth of defense attorney's fees later, the dry cleaner operators prevailed with the judge hearing the claim ruled that the dry cleaners did not owe Pearson anything and that Pearson would have to pay approximately $5,000 in the defendants' court costs. The judge reserved ruling on whether Pearson will have to pay the defendant's attorney's fees.

The American Bar Association is looking into sanctions against Pearson for filing a frivolous lawsuit and action has been instituted directed at removing Pearson from office. As an ALJ, it is unlikely that Pearson was voted into office but he can be removed by those who appointed him. Losing a $100,000 job seems to be worth his vindictive pursuit of this joke of a claim.

For more on this story, click here.

Inspirational

Res ipsa loquitur: the thing speaks for itself.

Cubs Motivation

A Double Standard?

OK, Sammy Sosa has hit his 600th home run. And even though I am quite positive that he juiced up during the 90s, I don't have the same level of distain for him as I do for Barry Bonds. Why is that? I'm pretty sure it's not racism.

Maybe it's because that throughout most of his career, Sammy was a cuddly, fan friendly "Base-a-ball hab bin beddy beddy good to me" kind of player; whereas Bonds has been a giant douche-bag since he came to the majors.
But I think it goes deeper than that. Sammy is not going to get 700 home runs and is not going to challenge Hank Aaron's record. If he were closing in on 755, I might rethink my position on that.

Also, he got number 600 against his former team, the hapless Chicago Cubs. I always like a bit of ironic twist. So good on you, Sammy. Now go away.

Unimportant?

Well, Salman Rushdie's 1988 novel the Satanic Verses has ignited tempers in the Middle East and elsewhere in the Islamic world with Great Britian being vehemently denounced for knighting Rushdie. "The British monarch lives under this illusion that Britain is still a 19th century superpower and that bestowing titles is something still deemed important," proclaimed Mohammad Reza Bahonar, first deputy speaker of Iran's parliament.

Of course, if it weren't something important, why is Iran and Pakistan going berzerk over the whole thing? It's apparently important enough to "justify" suicide bombing according the the Pakistani government. I never read the book before (adverse as I am to most fiction) but I think I just may have to now.

Calling It Like He Sees It

I was listening to tonight's Brewers-Giants game online (MLB Gameday Audio) and in the bottom of the 3rd with the Brewers leading 3-1, Brewers rookie third baseman, Ryan Braun, came up to bat with a man on first. Braun flew out routinely to Barry Bonds in left field and a chorus of boos decended upon Bonds as he made the catch.

Brewers broadcaster, Jim Powell (the great Bob Uecker's broadcast partner), commented that "Bonds gets booed for just catching a flyball. As well he should. He gets booed going to the grocery store. He certainly gets booed going to the drug store." I nearly wet myself with laughter.

I don't think that's Major League Baseball's official party-line but I'm sure it voiced the sentiments of many. It certainly voiced my sentiments regarding Bonds and his tainted pursuit of Hank Aaron's record. I just wonder if Powell can get into trouble for the comments. Hopefully, he'll be on the air tomorrow night with more on-the-nose commentary and analysis.

Hands Off

A school in Virginia has instituted a policy prohibiting students from making any physical contact. Apparently, the school is incapable of differentiating inappropriate contact such as punching, fondling and "making out" as opposed to proper conduct such as shaking and holding hands, "high fives" and brief hugs. It's so comforting to know that school administrators can't make the distinction. For more on this ridiculous policy, click here.

Flip Flop

Funny how the LeBron James era is over just as it was declared open. On June 2, 2007, Sam Smith, NBA writer for the Chicago Sun-Times wrote an article asserting that LeBron James could lead his Cleveland Cavaliers to title runs for years to come. After James' monumental performance in Game 5 of the Eastern Championships Smith wrote "The rest of the NBA now is worried. Did Thursday mark the start of the next great era?"

How quickly things have changed. Now down 3-0 to the San Antonio Spurs, Cleveland and King James have been deposed. Not only from the Championship this year but also for the future. Fast forward today and now Smith writes that you can't expect the Cavaliers to return to the Finals any time soon. What has changed in the Eastern Conference since June 2? Nothing. Except Smith's need to write a new article about something.

No one really expected the Eastern Conference Champion to win this year. Didn't expect it last year either but these things can happen. Just two weeks ago, James was the superstar who can carry a team of nobodies to destiny. Now, they won't be able to take on the misfits and also-rans in the weak East.

You can get whiplash watching sportswriters like Sam Smith pull columns out of their butts to make deadline.

Yecch!

Well, my softball career may be over. Sunday, I pulled something in my right calf scoring from third on a pop up to the shortstop. Then when I was lying on the bench, some Asian guy came up with some oriental ointment that smelled much like Icy Hot. He said it would loosen up the muscle. Well, it did a whole heck of a lot more than that.

Well he slathered it on and it was tingly like Icy Hot. I took a shower when I got home and thought it washed off. I then applied an Icy Hot Patch which fell off after a couple of hours.

Monday, I went to work wrapped an ice pack around my calf all day. When I got home, I popped some Advil.

Tuesday, I got up early for an arbitration hearing in Joliet, Illinois and saw that a blister had formed on the back of my calf. Big but not full. Just kind of half empty. By the time my arbitration was done, I got home and changed for my doctor's appointment. I noticed that the blister had filled with pus or juice of some sort. And it had grown some smaller friends.

At the doctor's office, my doctor didn't really do much. He never does. He's a general practitioner and probably is too afraid to actually do anything that might get him sued. Damn personal injury lawyers. So he looked at my calf, poked at it a couple of times and diagnosed me with a partial muscle tear. He suggested that I not mess with the blisters and just let them run their course and reabsorb into my leg. He thought they may have been caused by an allegic reaction of the ointment and the Icy Hot combination. And may have been aggravated by the ice and wrap. He also recommended that I get a follow up with an orthopedic specialist.

Wednesday, I went to work as usual and went to court. Unfortunately, my briefcase banged against one of my blisters and popped it. Icky. I could feel the juice run down the back of my leg. Fortunately, it didn't stain through my pants.

So, today I went to the specialist and he pretty much said the same thing. Did more intricate orthopedic tests confirming (to a reasonable degree of orthopedic certainty), that there was no ligament or tendon involvement. He game me some heel lifts to take pressure off the muscles and which make me seem taller I think. He said we'll wait to see how it heals in the next week. If it goes well, great. If not, then I may need a course of therapy.

So, we'll see.

Dracula's Castle Returned to Heirs

The Romanian government has returned Castle Bran to the decendents of the Romanian royal family who lost the castle to Communist rule. Castle Bran is associated with Romanian Prince, Vlad Tepes, also known as "Vlad the Impaler". It was based on the history of the Impaler's bloody defense of Romania against the Ottoman Empire that Bram Stoker developed the legend of Dracula.

Of course, while Castle Bran was one of Vlad's important outposts during the 1400s, it is less clear that he actually spent any significant time there. Even less evidence supports any actual vampiric action happening there. But it's old, imposing and against a dark Transylvanian skyline, quite spooky.

For more on the return of Castle Bran to the Romanian royal family, click here.

Ha Ha

I generally don't loathe Paris Hilton and her ilk, but something about seeing her bawling on her way back to jail does my heart good. Does that make me a bad person? Oh, well. Letting her out after three days was ridiculous. Now if they can just get Nicole to join her. For more on the incarceration of the drunken heiress, click here. For more on celebrity justice, click here.

The Romanian Front

Looks like the Romanians are still fighting the war against Islamic Jihad even if they're denying it. Like Prince Vlad "the Impaler" Tepes (the man behind the Dracula legend) of the 1400s before them, today's Romanians stand on the front lines of the war on terror. With reports from alleged ex-CIA agents claiming that the governments in Romania and Poland allowed the CIA unfettered access to prison facilities to detain terrorism suspects.

And now the lily-livered Swiss and others in the E.U. are whining and accusing the Romanians and Poles of impropriety. Wah wah. They're lucky the Romanians don't start racking jihadists up on pikes like in the olden days. That seems like it would be an effective technique of keeping the terrorists at bay even today.

For more on Romania's history of fighting against the Jihad, click here.

Anniversary of Unknown Heroes

The Unknown Rebel - This famous photo, taken on 5 June 1989 by photographer Jeff Widener, depicts a lone protester who tried to stop four advancing tanks until he was pulled into the crowd by several onlookers.

Winky

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer,"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employee womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"