300 -- Movie Review

I don't really care about the alleged neo-con aspirations of the movie and care even less about what lessons can be learned from the movie by contemporary culture. (Ummmm, kill, kill, kill?) Some have questioned the historical accuracy of the movie's protrayal of the Battle of Thermopylae in which 300 Spartans (together which about a couple thousand lesser trained soldiers) opposed Persia’s king, Xerxes I, and his army of 2,641,610. Iran has even weighed in with official criticism of the portrayal of Persian history. (Naturally, Iran's denial of the Holocaust is merely an investigation of historical revisionism). My main interest in the film, however, was: How many slow motion impalements can be captured in a 117 minute movie?

In 300, Sparta’s king, Leonidas, a manly man in a cape and leather underwear, seems like he escaped from the WWE as he exhorts his troops to glory/doom with a Greek-Irish brough (actor Gerard Butler appeared to be impersonating Mel Gibson's Braveheart throughout the movie). When Xerxes shows up looking like an 8-foot tall RuPaul wearing dog collars, lipstick and mascara, you know the Smackdown is coming.

The battle proceeds, as noted in various reviews, pitting the Persians, who are pioneers in the art of facial piercing and have vastly greater numbers — including ninjas, dervishes, elephants, a charging rhino and an angry bald giant — against the Spartans who clearly have the superior health clubs and electrolysis facilities. At stake is the answer to the historical question of "How could even an army of 2.6 million Persian have defeated the oiled abs and pecs of these Spartans?"

Final verdict — Once you understand that the Spartans would never cover up their over-sculpted bodies with something as unflattering as armor, the movie is a highly enjoyable blood-fest.

Above: Does Leonidas have a sword in his pocket or is he just happy to see Xerxes?