I'm Your Huckleberry

With the wife out of town and galavanting about Pennsylvania, I have time to catch up on watching some of my favorite movies (between episodes of Buffy, of course). Tombstone is one of my favorite movies. Certainly, my favorite western. Starring Kurt Russell and Sam Elliott's moustache. Val Kilmer steals the show as Doc Holliday, though.

Just watched the gunfight at the O.K. Corral. Always nice to see the too-tanned Thomas Haden Church get whacked. The only problem I have with the scene, the whole movie actually, is that Holliday's shotguns and six-shooters were subject to the Rambo effect.

Early on in the gunfight, Holliday is carrying a double-barreled shotgun. A street howitzer, as Wyatt Earp calls it. Doc fires one barrel into the air to make a horse jump in order to get a clear shot at the Cowboy hiding behind it which he takes with the second barrel, blowing a hole in the guy's side. The scene cuts and the next thing you see is Holliday taking a third shot with the shotgun tearing into another Cowboy's leg.

Meanwhile, Ike Clanton has taken a gun from Sheriff Behan in the Inn behind the Earps' line and starts blazing away out the window. Doc then draws his twin pistols and returns fire. Over the course of 3 more cuts scenes back and forth, Holliday fires at least 10 shots from each of is revolvers. And the timing of the scenes really didn't allow for any reloading if that's how one tries to explain it.

Oh, well. Between Doc's memorable lines (some of the best non-Princess Bride lines ever) and the absolute carnage wreaked by Wyatt, it's up in Top Ten range for me.

We Gotta Get Out Of This Place...

...if it's the last thing we ever do.

Tonight around 10 p.m. there was some loud yelling down by the entryway. As the weather gets warmer the COPS refugees come out. The chunky girl who lives on our floor was out with her shirtless boyfriend who is either a total jackass or drunk or both. The yelling went on for about a half hour when apparently someone yelled at him to shut up. He yelled back and stormed around in a classic white trash rant.

Eventually, he wound up swinging on a light pole like a stripper until he got bored with that and decided to kick the pole until it broke. That's when I decided to call the sheriff's department. Someone else had already reported it and units were en route.

Just before they arrived, the "perps" disappeared in the darkness. But being loud and obnoxious, they couldn't conceal themselves for long. The boyfriend was caught in the lobby of the building and the girlfriend ran to her condo unit only to be quickly tracked down. I should note the deputies were very polite.

It looked like one of the other residents rode off with the police to make a report but they didn't arrest the hillbillies. I have no idea why not but I intend to find out. In any event, within 15 minutes of the deputies leaving, the rednecks were back outside. This time yelling at each other. They apparently left the side door of the building out where my cars were parked. I swear if there is anything wrong with my cars in the morning, there will be hell to pay.

Kerry and I so need to get out of this complex before the white trash element completely take it over. We really need the neighbors wrecking the place while we're trying to get ready to sell.

Bad Cops, No Doughnut

Bad cops have been in the news alot of late. Last week, the story of the big, bad, burly cop beating the tiny, 5 foot nothing female bartender because she wouldn't serve him. Contradictory stories have been reported: some saying she wouldn't serve him because he was already drunk, others saying she wouldn't serve him because he was being a jerk and other stories reporting that he was trying to buy rounds of drinks for the bar when he didn't have any money. The truth? Probably all of the above. Regardless of the details, the cop deserves to be fired post-haste, collective bargaining be damned. It's a good thing the video caught everything. Otherwise, I'm sure the police union would have been coming to his defense and blaming the poor, little bartender girl or denying the whole thing.

Everyone knows the cops have a Code of Silence meant to protect their own. However, that guy stopped being one of their own when he attacked an innocent citizen. If they still consider him one of their own, the City of Chicago is in a lot more trouble than anyone realizes. Internal Affairs is apparently investigating allegations that the bartender and her boss were threatened with false charges by cops attempting to cover up the attack.

Of course, when the girl gave an interview on Fox News with her attorney, she really didn't seem to have a mark on her. The wonders of Bobbi Brown make up? Maybe. Or maybe that little girl is just tougher than jerk-wad cop. Again, it just doesn't matter. The video shows the savageness of his attack and his intent to hurt her is clear.

The second story involves a number of cops attacking a couple of businessmen. These businessmen apparently weren't as tough as the bartender because they suffered terrible injuries including a fractured jaw requiring reconstructive surgery and multiple broken ribs. I still have not seen the video on the second attack but it's probably just a matter of time before it appears on the net.

The police have a very difficult job. The vast majority of them are honest, hard-working and truly intent of helping others. They are done a disservice by the acts of a few rouge cops who have too much "cowboy" in them. They are also ill-served by an internal culture of protecting these rouge cops instead of prosecuting them as the criminals they are. Walker, Texas Ranger would not stand for this abuse of power. He'd roundhouse kick them right off the force.

Chuck Norris

• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.



• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.



• Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."



• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.



• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.



• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.



• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.



• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.



• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.



• Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.



• Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.



• Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.



• There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.



• When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1.... 1 roundhouse kick to the face.



• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, CHUCK NORRIS decides what time it is.

More Chuck Norris facts here.

Even more Chuck Norris facts here.

Destiny

Brew City Darkhorse?

Numerous pundits are picking the Milwaukee Brewers as a darkhorse contender for the National League Central Division in 2007. Does this mean the Brewers will be surprisingly good or the division is just going to be surprisingly bad. Well, with the World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals and perennial contenders the Houston Astros suffing serious attrition to free agency the way got a whole lot easier. The Pittsburgh Pirates will struggle to sniff .500 and the Chicago Cubs, well, they're the Cubs. I don't care how much money they spent in the off-season.

The Brewers on the other hand have a solid starting rotation (assuming Ben Sheets stays healthy), a reliable closer and, if Derrick Turnbow can handle the "demotion" to set up man and continue to pitch like he has in Spring Training, the Brewers could make the game short for their opponents. The Brewers infield has been called the best young infield in baseball by ESPN (although this was before 3B Ryan Braun was sent down to the minor). Even with journeymen infielders Tony Granffanino and Craig Counsell platooning at third, the infield should be a definite strength this year. And if Braun can figure out how to field the position, he could be back this year. Heck, even Roger Dorn figured it out.

Now that Geoff Jenkins and Kevin Mensch appear to have stopped bitching about their potential platooning in right field, even the outfield situation seems to be firming up. Corey Hart may be an emerging star in left and Jack of All Positions Bill Hall will provide exceptional pop in centerfield.This could be the year to finally go above .500 and make a real run at the playoffs. I don't expect the Brewers to be the Yankees or Red Sox but some consistent hope would be nice. My usual mantra of "Just finish ahead of the Cubs" isn't going to be enough this year.

Finally, I just want to acknowledge one of the best designed logos in sports history:

Ugh

Dumb Badgers lost to UNLV. The game wasn't televised locally (Chicago area) so I didn't see much of it. Apparently, the Badgers started out the game sluggishly again, rallied to take a brief lead but eventually ran out of steam. Oh well. They had a good season. Better luck next year.

One Wish

A man on his Harley was riding alongside a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! Please think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that all men could understand their wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Creative Testimony

Whew!

The Badgers won their first round game against Texas A & M -- Corpus Christi 76-63. Not nearly the blowout the final score would indicate. Boxscore here. The hyphenated school actually had a substantial lead through most of the game. Finally, around the last 12 minutes of the second half the Badgers decided to stop screwing around.

Not a very auspicious start. I actually thought they were losing to a community college since my bracket just said "Texas A & M C.C." Not that I would have felt any better if Wisconsin had dropped this one. Yech. They'll have to play a full 40 minutes from here on out. UNLV may not be the UNLV of old but I doubt that 25 percent shooting like they shot most of the game is going to beat anyone left in the tourney.

None the less: GO BIG RED!

The Big Dance

It's March and that means the NCAA basketball tourney. I didn't fill out brackets this year. With all the parody in the game, it's a crapshoot anyways. I'm just looking forward to watching the Wisconsin Badgers go deep in the tourney. They'll probably get knocked out by Florida if they get that far but hopefully they'll play better than they did against Ohio State in the finals of the Big Ten Tournament. Whatever happens, they've had a heck of a year. They've had as good a season basketball and football-wise as anyone in the nation save Florida. GO BIG RED. Bring home the cheeze!

300 -- Movie Review

I don't really care about the alleged neo-con aspirations of the movie and care even less about what lessons can be learned from the movie by contemporary culture. (Ummmm, kill, kill, kill?) Some have questioned the historical accuracy of the movie's protrayal of the Battle of Thermopylae in which 300 Spartans (together which about a couple thousand lesser trained soldiers) opposed Persia’s king, Xerxes I, and his army of 2,641,610. Iran has even weighed in with official criticism of the portrayal of Persian history. (Naturally, Iran's denial of the Holocaust is merely an investigation of historical revisionism). My main interest in the film, however, was: How many slow motion impalements can be captured in a 117 minute movie?

In 300, Sparta’s king, Leonidas, a manly man in a cape and leather underwear, seems like he escaped from the WWE as he exhorts his troops to glory/doom with a Greek-Irish brough (actor Gerard Butler appeared to be impersonating Mel Gibson's Braveheart throughout the movie). When Xerxes shows up looking like an 8-foot tall RuPaul wearing dog collars, lipstick and mascara, you know the Smackdown is coming.

The battle proceeds, as noted in various reviews, pitting the Persians, who are pioneers in the art of facial piercing and have vastly greater numbers — including ninjas, dervishes, elephants, a charging rhino and an angry bald giant — against the Spartans who clearly have the superior health clubs and electrolysis facilities. At stake is the answer to the historical question of "How could even an army of 2.6 million Persian have defeated the oiled abs and pecs of these Spartans?"

Final verdict — Once you understand that the Spartans would never cover up their over-sculpted bodies with something as unflattering as armor, the movie is a highly enjoyable blood-fest.

Above: Does Leonidas have a sword in his pocket or is he just happy to see Xerxes?

The Cuteness

Kerry found a cute website about a little white miniature schnauzer puppy. Lots of cute pictures and articles about a puppy's life.

Just Another Day at the Office

Today I had a doctor's evidence deposition scheduled for a case set for trial on March 27th. (In case you didn't know, I'm a lawyer). An evidence deposition is taken when a witness is not available to testify at trial. The transcript of the testimony is then read to the jury as if the witness had testified live. Doctors generally do these depositions because coming to court to testify live disrupts their practice and treatment of patients. I prefer live testimony but you have to try to accomodate the doctors the best you can.

I had some difficulty in scheduling this doctor's deposition because she had an unusual schedule and opposing counsel also had a very difficult schedule to accomodate. After several months and numerous cancellations, the deposition was scheduled for today at a church on the north side of Chicago. The doctor is a member at the church and thought she could get access to a room in the church where we could take the deposition.

Opposing counsel, the court reporter and myself arrived and the doctor came by to say she couldn't get into the church and we would have to do the deposition at her house about two blocks away. I rode with the doctor to her house (she was my client's treating physician following a motor vehicle collision back in December 2001). Defense counsel rode with the court reporter and followed us.

At the doctor's house, she let me out so she could back her large SUV into the one car garage. After I got out I walked over to the house gate and heard a loud yelp behind me. I turned to see a man by the doctor's driver's side window leaning in. As I turned the doctor backed into the garage and the court reporter and other attorney came walking up to the gate. The man then went around the back of the garage out of view.

The doctor left the garage and came into the gated area. She was crying and distraught. Apparently, the man was her neighbor and leaned into her window to tell her that he was going to cut her throat. She told us that the day before he had pointed his finger at her like a gun and went "Bang, bang, you're dead." She called the police to make a report on that.

When we got into the house, she started to arrange us for the deposition and told us that she'd call the police again after the deposition was done. Opposing counsel and I, persuaded her to call the police immediately. We then agreed that the deposition would have to be rescheduled (again) because the situation was just too volatile. The doctor was a jumble of nerves and emotions and noone wanted to proceed with a possible lunatic lurking around outside. Our main concern was for the doctor's safety (and our own).

The police arrived and the doctor made a report. The officer seemed to know the individual in question from previous complaints throughout the neighborhood. Counsel and I agreed to a new date and agreed that I would bring an emergency motion to continue the trial. Hopefully, the judge will be understanding of the situation. Given my knowledge of the judge's temperment, I think she will be.

Before the deposition, opposing counsel, the court reporter and I exchanged stories of the oddest depositions we had taken in the past. After today, we all agreed we had a new top story. We walked the court reporter to her car, then defense counsel and I walked to my car which was parked nearby. I then drove her back to the area around the church where she had parked. Definitely the epitome of "civil" practice.

Courtroom Humor

New Home

Well, Kerry and I finally went and made a move to build a new home in Plainfield, Illinois. I've started a sister-blog to track our buying experience. You can find it at BlogDoghouse.

Movie Review

Had a camp movie double-feature. Watched Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957) starring Russell Johnson, the Professor of Gilligan's Island. Followed that terror-fest with The Marine (2006) starring WWE wrestler, John Cena. The purpose of this endeavor was to see who had the greater dramatic range: the Crab Monster or John Cena. Smart money was on the Crab.

Attack of the Crab Monsters opened with 3 minutes of watching a nuclear detonation in the South Pacific resulting, of course, in the mutation of a tasty crustacean into a giant claw machine with telepathy. Don't ask. I kept hoping that the Professor would create a secret weapon out of coconuts and take out the monster but alas it was not to be. Best Line (recited on numerous occasions): "Any one alive in there?" What would they do if someone yelled back, "No!"? Runner Up Quote (Spirit of Dead French Guy whose right hand was cut off by the Crab Monster in an earlier attack): "I'm just here dreaming of all the things I could do...with just my left hand."

Second on the bill for the night was The Marine which is an obvious rip-off of Arnold's Commando. Lots of stuff blowing up. Precious little acting. Cena was given a hottie wife to establish his heterosexuality but you always got the feeling he'd rather be in the gym shower with the guys. Robert Patrick seemed to be trying to channel the spirit of Christopher Walken. He seemed to be having fun at least. After the inevitible chick fight between Cena's wife and the bad girl, Cena blew up a few more things, resusitated his wife from the dead and killed Robert Patrick. Best Line (by Patrick after one of his cronies told the long and painful story of a summer camp counselor's inappropriate advances): "Good luck with all that."

The Winner: Both on thespian skills and story content: Attack of the Crab Monsters by a claw.

Maternal Instincts

Making a good case for government enforced sterilization. She's concerned about the jackhammer's effect on the baby, but the cigarette? No problem.

Captain America RIP

Word is out that Marvel Comics has killed off Captain America a.k.a Steve Rogers. The Captain was felled by an assassin's bullet as he turned himself in to the Superheroes Registration Board (or some such entity).

Is this just a publicity stunt to generate interest in a potential live-action movie? Is it another politically correct attack on the virtue of America's strength? Will Captain America come back like Superman did? Of course, when Superman "Returned", he was no longer fighting for truth, justice and the American way.

I haven't read comics regularly in a long while. And even when I did, my interests veered towards The Incredible Hulk, Superman and Batman but I do hope Marvel figures out a non-lame way to bring back Captain America. He's needed now more than ever.

Trivia

Just more than $200 million is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.

The world record for kissing is 11,030 people in one hour.

Although it's just 2% of our body weight, our brains use 20% of all the oxygen we breathe, 20% of the calories consume, and 15% of the body's blood supply.

Light takes six hours to travel from Pluto to Earth.

Merv Griffin wrote the theme to "Jeopardy." It's estimated that the royalties have earned him more than $80 million.

The U.S. average credit score is 678.

The US Department of Transportation reports the average life span of a vehicle is 12 years, or about 128,500 miles.

The Rat Pack was made up of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr. and Joey Bishop, with Peter Lawford in a supporting role. In the beginning, they billed themselves as "The Summit." They didn't call themselves "The Rat Pack" because Sinatra hated that term.

Kitsch is the main export of Hell, Michigan.

Experts say 77% of Americans go to the grocery store with a list. It's estimated that half of everything bought there is bought on impulse.

The opposite of a "vacuum" is a "plenum."

Super Bowl weekend is the slowest weekend of the year for weddings.

The largest crossword puzzle ever published had 2,631 clues across and 2,922 clues down. It took up 16-square-feet of space.

The book of Esther in the Bible is the only book that doesn't mention the name of God.

Carnegie Mellon University offers bag piping as a major.

A man named John Bellavia has entered over 5,000 contests, and has never won anything.

Before airplanes existed, the phrase "jet lag" was once called "boat lag."

Your statistical chance of being murdered is one in 20,000.

February is "National Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month."

Green Gone

In a somewhat surprising development, free agent RB Ahman Green has left the Green Bay Packers to sign a 4 year $23 million contract with the Houston Texans. The Packers apparently hoped the market wouldn't bear such a price for a 30 year old workhorse running back with a history of fumble issues. Unfortunately, the desperate Texans ponied up the money and Green understandably took it.

This leaves the packers with another hole to file on the offensive side of the ball. With Favre back for at least (only?) another year, the Packers have to provide him with offensive weapons. If this means a free agent signing or a trade there are not a lot of explosive top names available with the exception of Oakland WR Randy Moss and that will come with a price and considerable baggage. RB Corey Dillon has been released from New England but is not the same running threat he was when the Patriots were dominating the Super Bowl landscape. Travis Henry and Chris Brown formerly Tennessee RBs are available but neither truly inspire the imagination.

Of course, the the Packers might look to the draft with their 16th pick. While some speculation was that Oklaholma RB Adrian Peterson might fall, the Packers will probably be looking at California's Marshawn Lynch.

One way or the other the Packers have to address the ending of the Ahman Green era and figure out how to replace a six-time 1,000 yard rusher (who was just 46 years shy of breaking Jim Taylor's all time Packer record for career yards of 8,207). It was a good run. It didn't contain a Super Bowl champion, but Green was a fine player for many years whose contributions and efforts can't be overlooked.

That said, I couldn't find this last picture of Ahman Green and not post it as he leaves town: