A Good Pennsylvania Law

PITTSBURGH (AP) - A Pittsburgh man accused of taunting a police dog on Sunday was being held in jail on $100,000 bail. Police say Kenneth King, 23, taunted Benny, a German shepherd, as he walked by a police vehicle. Police say King screamed that he hates dogs and threatened to kill the animal after it started barking.

King's mother said the situation is serious, but questioned the high bail. She said people have been arrested for hurting people and they don't have bail set that high.

Taunting police animals is a felony under Pennsylvania's animal cruelty law.

From the Department of Unnecessary Signage

Where do you think lawyers come from?

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Doom and Gloom on the Northside

With the Cubs dropping the first two games of their 2007 National League divisional series to the Arizona Diamondbacks, it seems like a good time to revisit some legendary Cubs lore. Memories. Good times.

Let us harken back to April, 1983. The Cubs still sucked and Harry Carey had not yet turned Wrigley Field into the World's Largest Kegger Party. Following yet another home loss, then Cubs Manager, Lee Elia, was asked about the criticism the team received from the stands.

We're mired in a little bit of difficulty here. We got all these so-called f*ckin’ fans,who are supposed to be behind you, ripping every f*ckin’ thing you do. I hope we get hotter than sh*t, just to stuff it up the 3,000 people who show up every f*ckin’ day. Because if they're the real Chicago f*ckin’ fans, they can kiss my ass right downtown...and PRINT IT!!

They're really behind you here. MY f*ckin’ ass! What the f*ck am I supposed to do? Let my f*ckin’ players go out and get destroyed every f*ckin’ day? For the nickel and dime people who show up? The mother-f*ckers don't even work! That's why they're at the f*ckin’ game! They ought to go out and get a job and find out what it's like to earn a f*ckin’ living.85% of the f*ckin’ world is working,the rest come out here. It's a f*ckin’ playground for the c*cks*ckers. RIP THEM motherf*ckers!! RIP THEM c*cks*ckers LIKE THE f*ckin’ PLAYERS! We got guys who are busting their ass, and the f*ckin’ people boo! That’s the Cubs? MY f*ckin’ ass!

They talk about the great support that the players get around here. I haven't seen it this year. Don't ask me about any specific thing, cause I wont answer it. I'm not going to talk about any specific plays. The name of the game is hit the ball, catch the ball and get the f*ckin’ job done. Every time we lose a close game, it's magnified. Why did this guy bunt? Why did this guy pop up? Or why did this guy throw a wild pitch? That's baseball, fellas. That's gonna happen. That's how runs are scored. That's how the f*ckin’ balance goes cockeyed. That's the difference between victory and defeat. Right now, we have more losses than we have wins. Everybody associated with this f*ckin’ organization have been winners their whole f*ckin’ life! EVERYBODY! And the f*ckin’ credit is not given in that respect. The f*ckin’ changes in the Cubs organization have been multifold. OK,They don't show because we're 5-14. And unfortunately, that's the criteria of the dumb 15 motherf*ckin’ percent that come out to day baseball! The other 85% are earning a living! I'll tell you, it will take more than a 5-13 or 5-14 to destroy the makeup of this club. I guarantee you, there are some f*ckin’ pros out there that want to f*ckin’ play this game, but they're stuck in the f*ckin’ stigma of the f*ckin’ Dodgers, the Phillies, the Cardinals and thatother cheap sh*t and all these f*ckin’ editorials about Cey, the f*ckin’.....the Phillie-itisand all that sh*t. It gets sickening! It's unbelieveable. It's a disheartening situation were in right now.

Anybody that was associated with the Cubs organization 4-5 years ago and came back and sees a multitude of progress that's been made. You'll understand that they're baseball people,and 5-14 doesn't negate all that work. We got 143 games f*ckin’ left. What I'm trying to say is "Don't rip them f*ckin’ guys out there! Rip me!" If you want to rip someone, rip my f*ckin’ ass! But don't rip them f*ckin’ guys because they're giving everything they can give. Right now,they are trying to do more than God gave them and that's why we make the simple mistakes. That's exactly why! And once we hit that groove, it'll flow. I don't know how to make it any plainer for you. I'll guarantee you, I'm frustrated. It would be different if I walked in every morning at 8:30 and saw a bunch of guys who didn't give a sh*t. They give a sh*t. And it's a tough National League East. It's a tough National League period.

Listen to the rant HERE.

Above: Typical mope Cubs fans awaiting the inevitable demise of their beloved, acursed team. Note the anxious slack-jaw look of resignation as they wait to see how fate will again kick them in the nuts. Such punishment is always deserved by those who cannot wear their caps the right direction.

Above: Ah, that's more like it. In dire need of washing the bad taste of another Cubs choke-job out of their mouths, the Cubs fans take to what comes naturally -- consuming ridiculous amounts of piss-warm beer. After this picture was taken, the deck collapsed but due to an intoxication level far beyond that which would have rendered an elephant comatose, all pictured Cubs fans were able to stagger away from the scene.

Above: This adorable Cubs fan will be dead before the Cubs win another World Series. 100 years and counting!

Bar Gossip = Bad News for Parents

A CZECH couple who took a DNA test to squash persistent pub gossip about the parentage of their 10-month-old baby got a nasty surprise when it was found neither of them were.

Read the article HERE.

A New Season Begins

Well, Cavemen wasn't the absolute worst sit-com ever to pollute the airwaves. That distinction still belongs to According to Jim. Cavemen had its funny concepts and moments. Having one of the cavemen working in a pseudo-IKEA and playing squash was funny. There definitely was room for improvement. I guess it remains to be seen how many Flintstones references we're going to be subjected to. One the whole, I would say it gets 2 stars but has some potential. Given the dearth of interesting new shows on the slate, it may be given some slack to find itself and an audience.

House was at his misanthropic best this week in episode 2. Undoubtedly, Kal Penn will land a spot on the show. He doesn't seem to have a long life-span on t.v. shows, though (see Angel, 24). It will be interesting to see how they have the old team co-exist with the new. I predict an all-out catfight at some point between the newly blonde Cameron and Machiavellian bad-girl, Amber.

Now to see what 24 is going to do. Maybe an episode where Jack gets pulled over for DUI, looks in the rearview mirror at the flashing police lights and mutters, "Dammit!"

I'm Literally Beside Myself on This One

A comic that addresses my pet language peeve (or at least one of them). Usually, mis-used by sports commentators who tend to speak in hyperbole as a matter of course, it seems that fewer and fewer people understand what "literally" actually means.

My usual anecdotes about literally involve a sports reporter commenting on the NFL rookie combines where players about to be drafter are rated on their physical prowess, leaping ability and speed. One player was reported to have "literally exploded from the starting line during his 40 yard dash." Or the NBA play-by-play announcer who informed that audience that the point guard "dribbled down the lane and was literally hacked to death on his way to the basket." That would certainly be a boost to ratings.